Ice-Grilled Cheese

This bullshit list of rules involving fellatio recently made it's way to my attention. I couldn't help but respond. It is so easy to be funny making fun of someone else's failed attempt at humor. So in the vain of Sporty Thevz (I think they were called that) I respond for all the men to The BJ Protocol:
1* First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.
Just as I am not obligated to fix things, defend you, rub your feet, be polite to your idiotic family and buy you gifts.
2* Extension to rule ..1 ~ So if you get one, be grateful.
I will be be grateful. In fact I will tell all my friends and acquaintances all about it because I can't get over just what a great girl you are.
3* I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.
I have seldom been accused of having standards anyway.
4* Extension to rule ..3 ~ No, I DON'T have to swallow.
It is rather unladylike to spit.
5* My ears are not handles.
Why would I grab your ears when you have tits?
6* Extension to rule ..5 ~ Do not push on the top of my head.
How about the back of your head?
7* Last I heard, operation deep throat had been done already. Additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?
Learn some breath control. And some better vocab.
8* I don't care how relaxed you get, it's never ok to fart.
What makes you think I could ever relax when my very manhood is near the teeth of a feminazi?
9* Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week"; get it through your head; I'm bloated and I feel like shit, so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you.
I'd rather get "it" through YOUR head.
10* "Blue balls" might have worked on high school girls, if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone.
I'll be thinking about your best friend. In a threesome with your sister. So that's cool with me.
11* Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
No one is saying you have to stay in bed.
12* If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule ..2 about gratitude.
Hey I've got my past too. Slut.
13* No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about the protein content.
Weird, those are my exact thoughts on your cooking.
14* No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.
That's why God invented halftime.